4 letters... like a dagger to the heart

So, this has been pretty quiet... Im sorry for that.

The past few months have been hard for me. I have had the feeling that I had PTSD from my pregnancy/ birth experience/ NICU.

Today I went to LDS family services and saw a psychologist. He confirmed that I am suffering from PTSD. I don't know whether to be relieved or scared... well, Im a bit of both. I knew I had it, Its just different when someone confirms it, says you are actually messed up. The psychologist told me that the reason I keep having anxiety/ flashbacks/ nightmares is because my brain cant reason or "file away " why I went through what I went through. Its going to be a long process and I may have to see an actual Psychiatrist.

Hopefully I can over come this. Sooner would be better than later hahaha I know that our birthday is going to be very difficult and if Elika has the procedure done on her heart, I will probably be a mess.

Im not looking forward to it, but I am looking forward to overcoming the PTSD

gettin' into the swing of things

HOLY COW WE HAVE A BABY SCHEDULE!

She has never really settled into a consistent schedule since she had her little hunger strike in the NICU. Finally she has found her groove... for now.

7am/7:30am- Wake and eat

9am- nap

12pm/12:30pm- wake and eat

1:00pm- play/ tummy time

2:00/2:30- nap

4:30/5:00-wake and eat

(she usually stays awake and watches tv or "reads" with  daddy)

8pm- eat

8:30pm- nap

11:30 pm-12:00am wake and eat

(sometimes we will let her sleep until 7am, most of the time I wake her )

Sundays the schedule gets thrown off because of church, but so far - cross my fingers- she falls right back into it on Monday as long as we feed her at midnight. :)

of course..... now that I wrote it down..... she will change it hahaha

Looking back at July 12th, 2012

My 26th birthday. July 12th, two thousand and twelve. This day will forever be the craziest, most painful, scariest, and most blessed day of my life.

After an emotionally straining day on the 11th, I woke up at 1:30am on the 12th with a bleed again. nurse came in at 2am to put me on the monitor. The found that I was having contractions, not too bad, but they gave me some pills to stop the contractions ( which I have had before, and had been successful in stoping the contractions)

About 5am my water broke.... contractions got worse.

They rushed me upstairs to labor and delivery.

They tried magnesium to stop the contractions... they just got closer together and stronger.

I remember them giving me some pain medication through my IV that helped for about 45 min.

Finally my doctor arrived and he checked me.

He confirmed that my water had broken and I was starting to dialate.

They then made the call to do the emergency c-section ( which it seemed everyone that was in the hospital knew I was going to end up there.

They gave me the epidural and started. I remember a LOT of talking. There was a Med student that had been following my case and she was in the surgery. They were testing her. I answered some of the questions in my head to try to keep my mind off of it...

Of course my lovely husband was standing up most of the time, watching them cut me open... I love him.... but he was a little to interested in my insides lol

I remember being able to see a tiny reflection in one of the overhead lamps, but I had to keep telling myself to look away... look away.... look away Kati.

Then I heard a cry. a loud cry. that must be my daughter. she is crying! they said that I probably wouldn't hear her cry because of her prematurity. but she is crying! she is ok! So we are done right? can I get up yet and go see my baby?

I remember laying there for what seemed like forever...  Then I remember the recovery room. The time in between is lost.  I remember wanting to rip off my nose off because it itched from the morphine.

My Mom, Mother in law, Mike and I ( and one of my favorite nurses Eileen) stayed in the recovery room for a long time. finally I was wheeled down to the NICU to see my baby girl.

I couldnt hold her and  I couldnt see her face because of all the wires and tubes that were keeping her alive, but we got to touch her feet. her tiny little feet (which one of my friends pointed out, were smaller than the prints on the blanket)

Elika Marie- 3lbs 5oz 16 & 1/2 min long

She has oxygen, feeding tube, belly button IV, IV in her arm, plus heart rate, respiratory, and O2 level monitors

This picture shows just how small she was... 

Ill blog about the next stage soon...

in it for the long haul...

Since 24 weeks my body has been very good at keeping Family, friends, Mike and I on our toes. 

24 weeks- I was admitted to the hospital for 3 days because of bleeding.

25&1/2 weeks- I was admitted again because of bleeding.

On the first day of my 27th week (Friday 6/29) I had some bleeding at night. It wasn't too bad, so we waited it out. I woke up on Saturday with contractions 5-7 min apart so we went into OB Triage. They gave me a shot to stop the contractions that worked really well, but made me very shakey and my heart race. Once I was stable, they sent me home.

The next morning, 7/1 I had the biggest bleed so far. I basically woke up in a pool of blood. Off to the hospital again. 

My regular doctor was on vacation, so I got to know his on-call replacement VERY well. He was just as honest but reassuring as my regular doctor. He told me that since The frequency and intensity of the bleeds are increasing, they need to keep me for longer. when the question of how long came up, it was answered with a "we will have to see, there is a possibility of keeping you until you deliver." WHAT? SERIOUSLY? 

They also told me that they were going to give me 2 steroid shots to help the babys lungs develop. Before they could do this, they had to give me the Gestational Diabetes test. They had to do this before giving me the shots, because the steroids increase your blood sugar.  The test consists of drinking this nasty drink and getting your blood drawn at 1hour then at 2 hours. I didn't pass the 2 hour. 

So, along with the Hyperemesis, the bleeding Placenta Previa, I now also have Gestational Diabeties. Yippie. Its safe to say... my body doesn't like being pregnant.

After the smoke had settled, so to speak, we had a long conversation with my group of doctors. This is what they told me:

The bleeding is to be expected. As long as I am not contracting and she isn't in distress, then they wont have to do a c-section. The goal is to "keep me pregnant" as long as they can. If I make it to 36 weeks... they will just do a c-section. 

In order to go home, I need to not have a bleeding episode for 7 days. At this "growth" stage in my pregnancy and the fact I have had 3 episodes in the past 5 days... they are telling me the odds are pretty slim. So here I sit... patiently marking off the days.

aaaaaaand we are back...

I really wish we weren't. It's been a week since I was discharged from the hospital and we are back again. I started bleeding again ( not as much as last week, but enough to get checked out) and cramping. I called the doc, he said to go in as a precaution. So we are here. Hopefully not for long......

Hospitals

On our first date, Mike and I  bonded over medical issues. We talked about hospital stays, doctors, medical tests ect. Very unconventional, but very us. :-P  Since we have been together... we have taken turns visiting the hospital.

Right before we got engaged, Mike broke his finger lifting a table during a nerf gun war at the church. and yes, I am never letting him live that down :)

In March, I was 11 weeks pregnant at became so dehydrated, I ended up in the hospital and was diagnosed with Hyperemesis. (see previous post) Thankfully they let me go the same day.

On Thursday June 7th, Mike was sharpening a knife and walking towards the cat.... a glance away and blood everywhere. she sliced his finger. I bandaged it and we went to the ER because we couldn't see exactly how deep it was with all the blood. At the ER, the cut was staying mostly closed, so they didnt stitch it. Very anti-climatic. ;)

oh Mike..........

4 days later, I was sitting on the couch and one of the scariest things happened. It wasn't a big event. I felt something wasn't right and realized I was hemorrhaging.  I called Mike, all I could get out was " I'm bleeding, we need to go to the hospital" Then I called my Doctor so he could send the orders to California Medical Center OB Triage.  Our nurse was great, she explained what was going on, could go on, what questions to ask/ be aware of, and kept the spirit light. She made us laugh and that really helped settle our fears.

very good hospital... I was very impressed.

We were then sent upstairs to be admitted.  They did an ultrasound and found that Elika was absolutely perfect, but my placenta was still completely covering my cervix. Thankfully, they didnt see and blood pooling in my uterus, which would lead to pre-tearm labor and they would have to deliver her within the next couple days. The ultrasound showed that even though on the outside it looked very scary, everything inside was doing well. 

scary moments

Elika doing just fine :)

bedrest = clots... so they put pressure cuffs  on my legs

All in all, We were visited by 3 doctors: my OB, a Perinatal Specialist and a NICU doctor. they all were great in explaining what could happen in the coming months. Elika could be born at 25 weeks(where I am now) but she would spend a couple months in the NICU. Because of the position of the placenta there are a few things that could happen. It could move, I could hemorrhage (once or multiple times) up until delivery, and depending on what happens Elika could be delivered anytime between now and full term. The goal is to "stay pregnant" until at least 32 weeks. The best would be 34-40 weeks. Also, if the placenta doesn't move, I will be having a c-section. It really helped to have all the doctors to be honest and lay everything out on the table. Its hard because we don't know what exactly will happen, but we know what could happen, how the doctors will respond, and what they will ask of us.

After 3 days in the hospital, a emotional roller coaster, and a ton of information thrown at us... they sent us home. MAN... I AM HAPPY TO BE HOME!!!!!!!!

HOME!!!  Dorian feeling for Elika :)

its a .....

GIRL!!!!!